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Grief brings up many
different feelings. These emotions can be overwhelming, scary, and
stressful. The purpose of this publication is to share with you some of
the feeling of grief and offer suggestions for coping with them. A
suggested reading list and worksheet is also included.
Feelings and Experience
of Grief
Death is a natural
process in life. But no one is ready for the flood of thoughts and
emotions that can overwhelm you after a loved one dies.
These emotions are a
normal response to the death of a loved one. It is important to allow
yourself to feel these emotions so you can move through your grief.
Many of the thoughts and
feelings you may experience are described below.
Confusion
Do the simplest decisions seem impossible? Is
it difficult to concentrate and follow through on things? Do you feel
disorganized and make many mistakes? Confusion comes because you are using
all your emotional energy to grieve and very little is left over for
anything else.
Anxiety/Panic
Are you afraid of being alone? Do you worry
about the future and fear that something else will happen to another loved
one? Do you think you are “GOING CRAZY?” Panic is normal. Talking
about your feelings, crying, or getting active with something may help to
lessen the “panicky” feelings.
Depression
Depression is common in those who are
grieving. It hurts so much. Sometimes you just don’t care about
anything. It takes effort to get out of bed, shop, or fix a simple meal.
It is important to talk things over with a friend or someone who will
listen.
Preoccupation
Your loved one who has died may be in your
thoughts constantly. You may think of nothing but loss. You may even dream
of your loved one or be focused on his or her face. Over time this will
lessen.
Guilt
Many people are tortured
by “if only” and “what if.” We tend to blame ourselves for things
we wish we had done differently for our loved one. Thoughts of guilt are
normal but often not helpful. It is best not to push down the guilt. Talk
about it until you can let it go. In time, you will realize you did the
best you could. None of us is perfect. The past is behind us.
Anger
Anger is a very common emotion during grief.
You may be angry with yourself or others, with the person who died or with
God. You may also feel angry towards people who push you to accept your
loss too soon or who pretend that nothing has happened. Anger is normal.
Pushing down anger is harmful because it can resurface as physical problems such as
ulcers, high blood pressure or depression. Your anger will come out one
way or another and may be directed at innocent people and unrelated
events. It is often hard to admit to being angry. It is helpful to find
ways to let out your anger, such as screaming in a private place, walking
or swimming.
Loneliness
After the funeral, your relatives and friends
may go on with their own lives, leaving you to deal with your grief alone.
Co-workers, friends, neighbors and sometimes even family members may avoid
you or change the subject. Some people withdraw because they are hurting
and do not know how to help you. Support groups can be helpful.
Despair
“How can I go on?” You may come to the
point where the agony seems too much. You can not bear it. You think you
will not be able to survive. Talk to someone who has made it through
grief.
Sadness
You miss your loved one
and are upset they are no longer around. You may be unhappy, distressed or
heartbroken.
Helplessness
“What am I going to do?” You may feel
helpless about your feelings, your grief. You seem unable to help yourself
cope or get better. You feel unable to help other family members. You may
feel elf-pity. Although you had no control over what happened, you may
feel powerless at not having been able to prevent it.
Envy
You may feel jealous of people who still have
their loved ones to enjoy.
Frustration
Many frustrations are a part of grief. “Why
am I feeling so upset for so long?” You may become disappointed with
yourself that you are not coping as well as you think you should. You are
left with unfulfilled emotions, desires, and thoughts buzzing about in
your head or sitting in your stomach.
Bitterness
Some bereaved people feel bitterness towards
those whom they feel are responsible for their loved one’s death. These
bitter feeling should be worked on or the bitterness could last for many
years. Bitterness drains you of energy and may be bad for your health.
Relief
(Laughter)
Enjoy the relief that
comes with Laughter because the grief will return soon enough. You are not
being disloyal to your loved one when you enjoy life.
Suggested
Reading
List
Don’t Take My
Grief Away
By Doug Manning. Insight Books, 1979
The Journey
through Grief
By Alan Wolfelt. Companion Press, 1997
The
Path through Grief
By Marguerite Bouvard. Breitenbush Books, 1988
This brief exercise can help you explore your
feelings of grief.
If I push
down my feelings, I will give them the power;
If
I accept them, I gain strength.
You have experienced a loss in your life. Some of
what you are feeling may seem strange or frightening. But try not to run
from any of your feeling. Many others have had similar feelings after
loss. Even though you may not be able to name the feelings you are having,
they belong to you and all of them are okay.
There are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with
your feelings. It is helpful to learn the difference. Work on accepting
your feelings, they have something to teach you. Over time you will be
able to face all of what you are feeling and experiencing.
Remember: The pain of
what you are feeling will eventually
lessen.
Feelings I am most fearful or unsure of:
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Feelings I am comfortable with:
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