First Year Successes

       Although you may feel you have accomplished very little over the last year, many small victories may have gone unnoticed.

       You had patience to accept and live through the initial shock and disbelief of your loss.

       You demonstrated willpower when you got up each morning to face yet another day without your loved one.

       You may have learned to do things your loved one always did, like cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, washing the windows, winterizing your home, doing spring cleaning-up jobs, etc.

       You showed courage when you worked on your grief, feeling the pain of your loss.

                   And although you will never “get over” your loss, you have been slowly weaving this loss into your life and moving forward.

 

After the First Year… Where Do You Go From Here?

The first year of grief is painful and exhausting. You have experienced many “firsts” without your loved one: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other special events. No doubt you found the days leading up to and the day of these special events difficult.

Although you may feel a little better, you also may not feel nearly as healed as you would like. It helps to understand that for many, the first year following the death feels like a tearing down of life and the second year feels like a rebuilding of life. Some of the suggestions below may help as you continue to weave your loss to your new life:

                   Setting expectations that are too high can cause frustration and disappointment. Be kind to yourself by setting reasonable goals.

                   A different level of reality has probably hit you. You no longer deny death. Now you face that it happened, you realize how it is going to affect you for the rest of your life. Adjust at your own pace.

                   Other situations in your life may be adding to your burden (trouble with work, family members, or friends). Realize this happens to many grieving people and that it can make your grief more difficult.

                   You may or may not cry often, but when you do, realize it is helpful. Do not fight the tears.         

                   Check often to make sure you have balance in your life - work, fun, (including exercise, hobbies, reading, etc.) and rest.

                   Pick out your most pressing concerns and think of all possible solutions. Choose one solution at a time and try it.

 

Grief and Depression

It is important to be aware that you can become “stuck” in your grief because of constant depression. On the next page is a simple test to help you decide whether your depression is severe enough that you might benefit from counseling.

Instructions: Check the boxes that apply to you.

If you are suffering from severe depression you will have at least one of the following two symptoms every day for two weeks or more.

       A deep sense of sadness or unhappiness.

                   A lack of interest in things you used to enjoy, such as hobbies or friends.

                                             AND

You will also have at least four of the following symptoms every day for two weeks or more.

       Weight gain or weight loss

                   Trouble remembering, thinking or making decisions.

       Fatigue or lack of energy.

       Sleeping too little or too much.

       Feelings of guilt or worthlessness.

       Restlessness or decreased activity.

                   Thoughts of death or suicide; attempted suicide.

If you checked the last box you should see help, no matter how many boxes you have checked.

These brief exercises can be helpful as you move forward with your grief.

I will go at my own pace as I continue to face my grief.

Do not be surprised if after months you suddenly become discouraged or depressed over the loss of your loved one. You think, “I should be over this” or “something is wrong with me.” To be healed does not mean you will never feel any of your pain again. You will. Some of your brokenness is healed, but other areas continue to need care.

Remember:   Healing is a slow process, and at times emotions can seem out of control.

Things I can continue doing to help myself heal:

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New things I can begin doing to help myself heal:

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My moments of pain remain; however;

They are different than before.

Hope is present when: You can appreciate life and all it has to offer you. You are able to experience a newness and insight about others. You seem more aware of other’s pain and hurt. You can take risk in reaching out to others. You are more comfortable with who you are. You have a greater appreciation for this moment in time, knowing that it could change tomorrow. You know that life is worthwhile and full of promises. You know that the future depends upon the choices you make. You are able to laugh at yourself and with others.

Remember:         The harshness of winter is gone and spring brings the hope of new life for it is a different season.

Hopes I have for the future:

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Information for this grief publication was adapted from the following sources: Hope From The Bereaved: Understanding, Coping, & Growing Through Grief by Theresa S. Schoneck. “Transitions – Grieving To Healing” by Grief Support Services.

 

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