This
is the first of six publications in the Grief Information Series. Each
publication addresses specific issues bereaved people may encounter on
their journey through grief. Future publications include Feelings
of Grief; Coping with Grief; Different Bonds, Different Grief; After the
First Year; and Coping with the Holidays.
The
goal of What is Grief? Is to introduce you to the idea that grief is a
process. Topics in this publication include “The Four Rules of
Grief,” “Moving through Grief,” “Symptoms of Grief,” and
“Thoughts to Remember.” A suggested reading list is also provided.
The
Four Rules of Grief
Much
has been written about grief. There are many thoughts and ideas on how
people grieve. If you read nothing else about grief, keep these
Four
rules in mind and share them with family and friends.
1.
Grief has no timetable. In spite of what family and friends may say, you
may not have recovered from your loss in three months, six months,
twelve months or longer.
2.
Grief is different for each person who experiences it. Because no two
relationships are exactly alike, no two people grieve exactly alike. For
example, the experience of losing a spouse or partner is different from
that of losing a parent. Even when two people lose the same grandparent,
their experiences of that loss can be very different.
3.
You have to experience your loss before you can move on. You can-
not
go around it, over it, above it or beside it. The only way to deal with
the loss is to feel it, experience it and go through it. Running away
from your thoughts and feelings by always being busy or “keeping a
stiff upper lip” can actually make your loss more difficult in the
long run.
4.
Be patient with yourself. Grief is a journey with many peeks and
valleys. At times the road to recovery can seem endless. Take each
minute and hour at a time.
Moving
Through Grief
Grief
is a natural reaction to a loss of any kind. It is a journey of
experiences and feelings in response to your loss. Grief can be a long
and difficult journey. You will not finish this journey overnight,
despite what you might wish.
To successfully move through your grief, you need to
take an active role in your own healing process. Each part of the journey
is described below.
1. You react to your loss with
shock, numbness and disbelief. When you experience trauma, one of your
first reactions is to shut down or go numb. This cushions you from
overwhelming feelings during your early grief. You may feel as if you are
on “automatic pilot.” Even an expected death is a shock. You cannot
know how a loss is going to feel until it actually occurs. A part of you
may feel that the loss is unreal, a nightmare or a terrible mistake. How
long it will take you to come out of your numbness depends on the
circumstances surrounding the loss.
2. You begin the difficult
journey of understanding that your loss is real. As the numbness wears
off, you begin to realize what the loss is going to mean to you. This
explains why many bereaved people feel worse after a few months have gone
by. The realness of this loss starts to sink in. A part of you may still
be looking for your loved one to come back into your life. You begin some
of your hardest grieving when the support you got right after the death
tapers off.
3. You allow yourself to experience the pain of your grief in all of its
forms. There are no shortcuts through the pain of loss. You can try to
“stuff down” feelings and delay grieving, but the grief will not
lessen until you experience it fully. In our society, where showing pain
is considered by many people to be a sign of weakness, it is important to
give yourself permission to talk about and feel your pain. Pain is also
expressed through your physical body. It is common to have strong physical
reactions to grief. Because of the stress you have been under, it may be a
good idea to get a physical exam in order to relieve fears about your own
health.
4. You realize how your life has changed and you begin to develop new
roles, routines and skills in response to the changes. Loss can destroy
daily routines.
It can rob you of the life you
once had. Your responsibilities may seem to have doubled overnight.
Grieving the loss of your routines is an important part of healing. It is
helpful to make as few changes as possible elsewhere in your life, when
you are faced with a loss. It is also important to be gentle and patient
with yourself as you assume new roles and responsibilities.
5. You eventually come to a time when you choose to say “Yes” to life
again. Grieving can be terribly hard, exhausting work, and can demand much
of your energy. When enough healing has occurred, you no longer need to
focus as much of your energy on your loss. At this point, you find you
have more energy to invest in the life ahead of you. You come to
understand that it is possible for you to have a happy and full life
again, through it will be different from your life before your loss.
Symptoms
of Grief
The loss of a loved one can
affect all areas of your life. Over the next several months you may
experience a few or many of the symptoms below
Physical
Change in appetite/ weight,
upset stomach, problems with sleep, tiredness, headaches, tense and achy
muscles
Emotional
Sense of disbelief, numbness,
inability to concentrate, guilt, anger, loneliness, panic, confusion,
depression
Social/Spiritual
Lack of interest in hobbies or
activities, less interest in participating in family get-togethers or
social events, loss of faith, lack of interest in your job.
If many of these symptoms
persist well beyond a year, you may be “stuck” in your grief process.
Counseling might help you get back on track.
Thoughts
to Remember
People who are grieving are
often expected to “get over” their loss too quickly. Be gentle with
yourself during the many ups and downs.
Loss is different for each
person, yet there is much you will have in common with others. Beware of
putting expectations on yourself, spouse or partner, and others.
Tears are healthy and
acceptable as you feel the pain after the death of your loved one. Cry
freely and do not apologize for tears.
Grief affects your eating and
sleeping, you energy level and your ability to concentrate. A good diet,
plenty of liquids, physical exercise, and rest are especially important
during this time.
Using
alcohol and pills to calm you can cloud your thinking and slow down the
bereavement process. Use these medications as little as possible and only
under a doctor’s supervision.
Friends
and relatives may avoid you and avoid talking about the death of your
loved one. Let them know you need to talk about your loved one and that it
helps to talk. Share with them as you can.
Think
about delaying major decisions for at least a year (changing jobs or
moving, another pregnancy, etc.)
Keep
your loved one’s clothes and other belongings until you are ready to
decide what you want to do. You need time to make good decisions about
these things.
Suicidal
thoughts may occur and are normal. The meaning of life will return in
time. The pain does lessen. Talk about your thoughts with a trusted
friend. However, if they persist or become stronger, it is important to
seek help from a counselor.
Include
your children in your grief. Do not hide your tears from them, but be open
and honest about your own feelings. They need to be included and feel your
love. You may find it helpful to find a close family member who can supply
what you are not able to give your young children at this time.
Holiday
and anniversary times are reminders of your empty arms. Plan ahead to
avoid some of the added stress. Don not expect others to remember or be
sensitive to how you feel. Lower expectations of yourself. Take time for
your needs.
Suggested
reading list
The Courage to Grieve
By Judy Tatelbaum. Lippincott & Crowell, 1980.
How to Go On Living When a Loved One Has
Died
By Therese Rando.
Lexington
Books, 1988.
Living When a Loved One Has Died
By Earl Grollman. Beacon Press, 1977.
Information
for this grief publication was adapted from the following source; How
to Design & Facilitate Grief Support Groups by Kim Logan. Palliative
Care Patient and Family Counseling Manual by Aspen Reference Group.
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